Behind Blue Eyes
by Inquisitive
Summary: Song fic. SLASH. Spot's view of love.


Behind Blue Eyes

  


Author: Inquisitive (Ink)

  


Rating: PG-13

  


Disclaimer: Newsies belongs to Disney, the song Behind Blue Eyes belongs to The Who, and was redone by Limp Bizkit, absolutely nothing in this fic. belongs to me. Isn't that always the way?

  


A/N[1]: This is my first song fic. so please bare with me. Reviews are appreciated.

  


  


  


  


**No one knows what it's like**

**To be the bad man **

**To be the sad man **

**Behind blue eyes**

  


  


No one really knows what it's like to be me. To be _THE_ Spot Conlon. Everyone acts like being me would be the best thing in the whole world. To have everyone fear you. To have the respect of the entire city... But their wrong.

  


  


**No one knows what it's like **

**To be hated**

**To be fated**

**To telling only lies**

  


  


I do have the respect of the entire city. But, I also have an entire city watching my every move. I am only human! I want to tell you how I feel. I want to hold your hand. I want to kiss you. But I can't, because everyone is looking over my shoulder, waiting for me to mess up. And when I do, that'll be the end of my reign in Brooklyn.

  


  


**But my dreams**

**They aren't as empty**

**As my conscience seems to be**

  


  


I do love you. I've loved you for months now. I only wish I had the courage to tell you that. But I don't. I'm a chicken. DO YOU HEAR ME? SPOT FUCKIN' CONLON IS A CHICKEN!

  


  


**I have hours, only lonely**

**My love is vengeance**

**That's never free**

  


  


Do you know what they'd do to me, if the found out that I liked... that I _LOVED_ another boy? They would tare me to pieces. No one likes boy kissers. My own boys would turn against me. I would be left without a friend in the world. But I would have you. Brooklyn would _never_ have the same respect ever again. Imagine if everyone heard that the leader turned pansy? I just can't do that. I could not jeopardize the entire borough, MY entire borough, because I was selfish. So here I am, by myself again. If I can't have you, then I really don't want anyone.

  


  


**No one knows what it's like**

**To feel these feelings**

**Like I do **

**And I blame you **

  


  


Its all your fault! I hate you for making me fall in love with you. It's not fair. If I were anyone else, I could do whatever I wanted. But I am a leader. I am THE leader of one of the strongest boroughs in New York City! We have a reputation! I didn't want to fall in love with you. _You_ were the one who kept coming over here. Why couldn't you have stayed on the other side of the bridge? Everyday I would see you. And EVERY DAY I would fall harder for you. I think you planned for it to happen that way.

  


  


**No one bites back as hard **

**On their anger**

**None of my pain and woe**

**Can show through**

  


  


You are one of my best friends. That is saying a lot, I don't make friends that easily. So I can't just ignore you, and hope you will take the hint and go away! That would only make things worse. Ignoring you would make people start asking questions, and when they didn't get the answers they wanted, they would start to make things up. The ironic thing is, half of what they made up would probably be true. Ignoring you is out of the question, so I keep up the cool front of being the 'best friend'. I act like seeing you isn't making me go insane inside. It's hard damnit! Being so close to you all of the time, and_ knowing_ that I can never get any closer. I can't get mad at you either. Not really anyway. I try. I tell myself that if I hate you, it will be better. If you hate me, you won't come around as much and I won't have to keep this up. All I would have to do is start a fight. I could accuse you of something you didn't do. The scary thing is, that's really all it would take, a few simple words. But I never will. I know that if I did that, it would hurt you. I could never hurt you.

  


  


**But my dreams**

**They aren't as empty**

**As my conscience seems to be**

  


  


If we did fight, you would end up hating me. I don't think I could stand it if you hated me. I need to know that you will always be where I can find you. I need to be able to talk to you, to share jokes, and play cards with you. I need you. I can't lose all that, even if it _would_ make my life easier. What are you supposed to do when none of the choices look good? When there is no right answer? I can't leave things the way they are! I will go insane. LOVE SUCKS! Whoever says differently has never really been in love. It's not beautiful. It's not wonderful. It hurts.

  


  


**I have hours, only lonely**

**My love is vengeance**

**That's never free**

  


  


Right now, no one suspects anything. To everyone else, I'm a big womanizer. 'There goes Spot with a different girl every night.' That's bullshit. I've slept with maybe three women in my lifetime, probably only two. I don't even remember their names. When I go to my room in the evenings, it's not to screw around with every whore in New York. Whoever started that rumor is a dumb ass. When I go to my room, I sit and think, sometimes I write. I get away from their prying eyes, if only for an hour or so. I escape. And you are the _ONLY _person who knows that. You know the truth, and I trust you never to tell anyone. That's another reason I hate you! I can tell you anything, and I do. I can trust you. I _hate_ trusting people, when you trust people they only let you down. But I can tell you anything, and you will keep my secrets, and you will never judge me. I love that about you.

  


  


**No one knows what it's like**

**To be mistreated**

**To be defeated**

**Behind blue eyes**

  


  


You've won okay? I love you. You will probably never know that, because I sure as hell ain't telling you! But I love you. If you act like you have no feelings all of your life, people will start to believe it. I _do_ feel. When people insult me it hurts. When I get punched in the face by some overgrown idiot, it hurts worse. But I can't let anyone see that. I never have. I keep the doors on my feelings shut, and locked. Then you come along and try as hard as you can to pry them open! Why can't you just leave well enough alone?

  


  


**And no one knows how to say that they're sorry**

**And don't worry**

**I'm not telling lies**

  


  


Yesterday you came to our lodging house in the middle of the night. No one was surprised, you've done it before. But last night was different. Last night you asked me if you could talk to me in private. I said yes. That was stupid. Last night, you told me that you loved me. All I did was stare at you. You wouldn't back down. That is another reason I love you. You are one of the only people willing to stand up to me. You are one of the only people I'll allow to stand up to me. I looked into your eyes, they were begging, pleading for me to answer, to say something. I desperately wanted to tell you, to just spill forth all of my feelings, to get them out of me, away from me. I wanted to tell you, then lean in and kiss you, and never let go of you for the rest of eternity. But I have my pride, and I have a reputation, and damnit, I just couldn't.

  


  


**But my dreams **

**They aren't as empty**

**As my conscience seems to be**

  


  


The look on your face when you finally gave up and left, broke my heart. I would give anything to have never seen that look, and never to have known that I'm the one who hurt you. I _knew_ I had hurt you. I _never meant_ to hurt you. I thought you, of all people would understand. I _want_ to love you, but I _can't_! It's wrong to love another boy! You don't love me. You can't love me. You only think you do. Someday you will meet a pretty girl, and you'll marry her. You _will_ forget about me. I hope you will be happy. Just don't invite me to the wedding, I'm apt to do something stupid. I will forget about you too. I might even get married someday. We don't need each other to be happy. I promise.

  


  


**I have hours, only lonely**

**My love is vengeance**

**That's never free**

  


  


I lied. I won't be happy without you. And I will never forget you. I can't. My love for you is real, it's almost tangible, and a few years is not going to make any difference. Fuck everyone else. I don't care about my reputation. I _am _selfish, and I don't give a fuck. I LOVE YOU! I was wrong last night. I hope that when I find you, you will forgive me. I hope that you will accept my apology. I hope that you will let me kiss you, no matter who is watching. But most of all, I hope that you weren't lying yesterday. But I don't think you were. I know it was the truth, because I trust you, and I love you Racetrack Higgins.

  


  


**No one knows what it's like **

**To be the bad man**

**To be the sad man **

**Behind blue eyes**

  


  


No one knows what it's like to be Spot Conlon, and I feel sorry for them. Because I know what it's like to love someone with all of my heart, and to know for a fact, that I'm loved in return. I know what it's like to be free, to give up everything you've worked so hard for, and to be happier because of it. I know what it's like to kiss another boy, and I don't care who knows it!

  


  


  


  


  


A/N[2]: What did ya think? Please review! I would love to know what you thought about this because it is my first song fic. and I'm rather proud of it. Thank you, thank you, thank you, to everyone for reading my story!

~Ink


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